There’s a common misconception in our culture that authenticity somehow means being consistent in our affect and behavior, or that being our “real” selves requires us to be consistent in how we present ourselves to the world. But here’s the thing: There isn’t actually a single, consistent you that always acts and feels the same way. Rather, your true self is a synthesis of many selves that interplay from moment to moment, representing your rich and multidimensional personality (Fadiman and Gruber, 2020).
Ever notice how you show up differently in different situations? Maybe you’re more measured and thoughtful at work, more relaxed at home, and a little goofy when you’re with close friends. And when you’re alone in your car? You might turn on full rockstar mode, singing at the top of your lungs like no one’s watching (because hopefully, no one is). This isn’t being fake or flaky—it’s just being human.
We all naturally adjust our tone, demeanor, and energy based on context. It’s how we connect with people and function in the world. This ability to adjust to a variety of situations represents psychological flexibility, which is an important part of a healthy mindset. But somewhere along the way, many of us absorb the belief that to be truly professional, or spiritual, or serious about life, or fun with our friends, we have to suppress parts of ourselves. We start playing roles, filtering out anything that doesn’t seem to fit the version of ourselves we think we’re supposed to be.
Particularly on social media, we tend to curate our personas. On Facebook or Instagram, many people curate a consistent image of our interests in an effort—conscious unconscious—to build a brand. On LinkedIn, we craft a professional image to ensure we’re seen as a good fit for the careers we’re building.
The problem is, when we do this too much, we start to lose touch with our wholeness. We feel exhausted, disconnected, and unsure of who we really are. But what if embracing all of who we are—serious and silly, soulful and practical—is actually the key to deeper authenticity?
Why We Naturally Adjust Our Behavior
Psychologists have long studied how people adapt to different social environments. This isn’t deception; it’s a natural and necessary part of life. Research on self-presentation (Schlenker & Pontari, 2000) shows that we instinctively shift our behavior to match social expectations, not to be inauthentic, but to communicate effectively and build relationships.
Think about it: You wouldn’t speak to a toddler the same way you’d negotiate a business deal. You probably wouldn’t crack the same jokes at a wedding as you would at a poker night with close friends. And there’s a good reason most of us don’t scream along to our favorite songs while standing in line at the grocery store. None of these adjustments mean you’re not being you. You’re just bringing out different aspects of yourself depending on the moment.
The Myth of “Acting Right”
Despite this natural flexibility, many of us fall into the trap of thinking we have to lock into a specific personality to be respected in certain spaces.
- To be professional, you have to be stoic and polished at all times.
- To be spiritual, you have to be calm, serious, and free of human quirks.
- To be taken seriously, you must never be too lighthearted.
But here’s the truth: Rigidly playing a role isn’t authenticity—it’s self-limiting.
Studies on emotional regulation (Gross, 2015) show that suppressing aspects of our personality over time can lead to increased stress, anxiety, and burnout. Research on psychological safety in workplaces (Edmondson & Lei, 2014) also indicates that environments that encourage people to bring their full selves—quirks and all—tend to foster higher engagement, creativity, and well-being.
So, if you feel like you constantly have to shut off parts of yourself to be accepted in a space, it might be worth asking: Is the problem you, or is it the environment?
Wholeness Means Embracing All of You
Instead of thinking of your different expressions as contradictory, try seeing them as part of a whole, dynamic self. Every side of you brings something valuable to your life:
- Your playful side brings joy and spontaneity.
- Your serious side brings depth and focus.
- Your spiritual side brings meaning and connection.
- Your professional side brings structure and success.
The key isn’t to force yourself to be the same everywhere—it’s to integrate all these aspects in a way that feels natural and effortless. It’s okay to be playful at work in appropriate moments. It’s okay to get serious with your friends sometimes. It’s okay to be a little goofy in spiritual practice. And sometimes your relationships can benefit from a little professional, analytical thought.
Practical Ways to Stay Authentic in Every Setting
1. Stop Worrying About Being “Real” and Focus on Being Present
A lot of people stress over whether they’re being “real” enough. But authenticity isn’t the same as always acting the same way—instead, it calls for being engaged and aligned with your values in the moment (Kernis & Goldman, 2006).
Instead of asking, “Am I being my true self right now?”, ask: “Am I fully present in this situation?” When you’re engaged and intentional, you’re being real. Or better yet, don’t overthink it. Just be in the moment and let the self-editing fall away.
2. Give Yourself Permission to Be Multifaceted
Somewhere along the way, we got this weird idea that consistency = authenticity. But real people are layered. You can be deeply spiritual and love dumb jokes. You can be a strong leader and still ask for help. You can be a dedicated professional and dance like an idiot at a concert.
Instead of boxing yourself in, recognize that your complexity is what makes you whole.
3. Seek Spaces That Support Your Full Expression
If you constantly feel like you have to mute parts of yourself to be accepted, you may need to rethink the environment you’re in. Research shows that people thrive in spaces where they feel psychologically safe to be themselves (Frazier et al., 2017).
That doesn’t mean ignoring social cues or acting the same everywhere—but it does mean surrounding yourself with people and workplaces that don’t require you to play a role 24/7.
4. Let Go of the Pressure to “Prove” Yourself
Trying to manage how people perceive you all the time is exhausting. You don’t have to carefully craft a personality to be taken seriously, respected, or liked. The most compelling people aren’t the ones who “act right”—they’re the ones who are comfortable enough to let their personality breathe.
The Full Spectrum of You
You don’t have to choose between being serious or playful, professional or relaxed, spiritual or lighthearted. None of these qualities cancel each other out. They all make you, you. True authenticity isn’t about locking yourself into a rigid identity—it’s about giving yourself permission to be the full, evolving person that you are.
So go ahead—meditate in the morning, show up powerfully in your career, and belt out your favorite song in the car on the way home. Or try mixing them up and belt out your favorite song as a morning somatic ritual and meditate for a few minutes at work if you’re able. All of you belongs.
References
Edmondson, A. C., & Lei, Z. (2014). Psychological safety: The history, renaissance, and future of an interpersonal construct. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 1(1), 23–43.
Frazier, M. L., Fainshmidt, S., Klinger, R. L., Pezeshkan, A., & Vracheva, V. (2017). Psychological safety: A meta‐analytic review and extension. Personnel Psychology, 70(1), 113–165.
Gross, J. J. (2015). Emotion regulation: Current status and future prospects. Psychological Inquiry, 26(1), 1–26.
Kernis, M. H., & Goldman, B. M. (2006). A multicomponent conceptualization of authenticity: Theory and research. Advances in Experimental Social Psychology, 38, 283–357.
Schlenker, B. R., & Pontari, B. A. (2000). The strategic control of information: Impression management and self-presentation in daily life. Psychology of Interpersonal Perception and Cognition, 3(1), 199–232.
