As much as we may wish it weren’t so, conflict is part of life. Whether it’s a disagreement with a spouse or partner, a misunderstanding with a friend, a tense conversation at work, or an altercation with a stranger, we all face moments of tension that test our patience and emotional balance. How we handle these moments can either strengthen our relationships and well-being or create lasting damage. The challenge is to stay true to ourselves, maintaining our sense of inner stability, and ensuring the other person feels heard and respected.
Conflict is a natural part of the human experience—an opportunity for growth, self-reflection, and deeper connection to ourselves and to others. Many spiritual traditions, both religious and secular, emphasize the idea that we are all interconnected, and that conflict arises not as a disruption, but as an invitation to better understand ourselves and others. When we approach conflict with empathy and curiosity rather than defensiveness, we create space for wisdom and transformation rather than division.
Too often, the experience of tension pushes us into reactivity, making it difficult to communicate clearly or find common ground. But what if we could approach disagreements with a sense of calm and confidence? What if, instead of seeing conflict as something to fear, we could view it as a practice of mindfulness—a chance to center ourselves and respond with intention rather than impulse? By learning to stay centered in the face of tension, we can navigate conflict in a way that honors both ourselves and those around us.
What Conflict Is and Why it Happens
Conflict isn’t all bad—it serves an essential function for self-preservation and community defense. The impulse to protect your well-being, values, or interests serves an evolutionary purpose, ensuring that you defend yourself from harm, maintain boundaries, advocate for fairness, and protect those who may be vulnerable (Nix & Carstensen, 2021). In many cases, standing firm in conflict is a necessary act of self-preservation and integrity. Whether confronting injustice, asserting personal needs, or setting limits on harmful behavior, opposing potentially harmful ideas or actions can be courageous and healthy. The key is learning to distinguish between reactions that stem from fear and those that arise from a deeper purpose and integrity. When we engage in conflict from a place of awareness and balance, it can be an act of empowerment rather than aggression.
At its core, conflict arises when people perceive their needs, goals, or values to be under threat. It’s a natural part of human interaction and an inevitable consequence of diverse perspectives. Conflict can stem from differences in communication styles, expectations, personal histories, or competing interests in shared recources. Misunderstandings or unspoken assumptions often exacerbate disagreements, leading to tension and emotional distress (Bruce et al., 2022). Recognizing how our own personal influences and those of others can contribute to tensions helps us to maintain perspective and resolve disagreements more effectively. By reframing conflict as an opportunity to clarify values and foster understanding, we can engage in disagreements constructively rather than adversarially (Hample & Hample, 2020).
At times, conflict can arise not from actual opposition but from misperceptions of another person’s intentions or emotions. When we project our own insecurities or internal narratives onto someone else’s words or actions, we may misinterpret neutral or even supportive gestures as adversarial (Tuente et al., 2019). This tendency, known as hostile attribution bias, is rooted in our own insecurities based on past experiences and can create unnecessary friction and misunderstanding. In extreme cases, hostile attribution bias can lead people to live in a constant state of self-defense, but we can all be susceptible to it to varying degrees, and learning to recognize it can free us from its effects. By cultivating self-awareness and pausing to question our assumptions, we can reduce these misinterpretations and engage with others from a place of greater clarity and openness.
And, of course, sometimes people are just having a bad day and need some grace. If your partner or coworker or a stranger at the supermarket lashes out at you for no apparent reason, it’s often best just to take a deep breath and let the moment pass. As the novelist Brad Metzler said so well, “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.” If you can give yourself and others the space to navigate life’s ups and downs without getting caught up in momentary tensions, you’ll live a happier, more fulfilling life.
The Psychological Impact of Conflict
Conflict profoundly affects our psychological state, often triggering emotional and physiological responses that disrupt our ability to remain present. Conflict activates the brain’s fight-or-flight response, shifting us into defensive states that impair rational thinking (Koerner & Fitzpatrick, 2016). As a result, disagreements tend to become adversarial rather than collaborative, reinforcing a win-or-lose mindset that limits constructive dialogue.
Just as friction refines and smooths a rough stone, interpersonal tension has the potential to refine our character. When we approach conflict with a sense of inner spaciousness—recognizing that we are not just our emotions but also the observer of those emotions—we gain the ability to respond more dispassionately rather than react through raw emotion. Conflict, then, becomes a mirror, reflecting aspects of ourselves that may need growth, healing, or deeper understanding.
It’s easy to get caught up in our own narratives and resist alternative viewpoints, unconsciously equating a shift in perspective with a loss of self-identity or self-worth (Caughlin et al., 2012). This entanglement of self-worth and positionality makes it difficult to talk openly with one another. Meanwhile, unresolved emotional wounds can intensify conflict, amplifying reactions beyond what the situation calls for (Roloff & Liu, 2016). Recognizing these psychological and existential dynamics helps us to approach conflict with more awareness and choice rather than reactive defensiveness.
Grounding Yourself Before Engaging in Conflict
Finding your center when you’re angry isn’t easy. It takes a shift from automatic reaction to intentional presence, which is exactly the opposite of what your sympathetic nervous system is set up to do when your emotions are running hot. To override your anger autopilot and take control, try a simple mindset hack to restore your calm. Mindfulness practices, such as deep breathing and self-reflection, help regulate emotional responses and foster a sense of inner clarity (Hample & Hample, 2020). Box breathing is particularly helpful in these situations, as it calms and regulates the autonomic nervous system. Regular practice of mindful breathing techniques can improve your ability to respond more compassionately and openly and reduce your baseline reactivity over time.
With your nervous system under control and your emotions grounded in empathy, it’s easier to recognize that conflict exists within a shared field of experience. Reframing the situation as a collaborative effort to find mutual understanding rather than a competition between opponents can create an opening for meaningful conversation. This makes it easier to approach disagreements with curiosity rather than assumptions and allows for the coexistence of multiple perspectives, which can shift the dynamic from confrontation to cooperation (Bruce et al., 2022).
Communicating from a Place of Centeredness
How we communicate in the heat of the moment makes all the difference in the tone and outcome of the conversation. Effective conflict resolution requires communicating with self-awareness rather than emotional reactivity. One highly effective approach is the framework of Nonviolent Communication (NVC). NVC provides a practical approach to dialogue that prioritizes understanding over defensiveness (Roloff & Liu, 2016). Core principles of NVC include expressing observations without judgment, articulating emotions without blame, identifying core needs, and making requests that invite cooperation rather than resistance.
Let’s take a closer look at how these principles can help:
Observations without judgment: When you speak about the other person’s behavior, avoid casting judgment or blame on them. Try to avoid comments that assume or ascribe ill intent.
Emotions without blame: Instead of relying on accusatory language, which tends to escalate conflict, using language that reflects personal experience and emotional impact helps facilitate productive discussions. Try “I feel” statements that don’t pin the cause of your feelings on the other person.
Identify core needs: What is it that you really need out of the situation or the other person? What do they need from you? Getting these needs out into the open can help to shorten the conflict dramatically and avoid spending too much time in debate over insignificant details.
Make requests that invite cooperation: If you can get your partner to work with you toward resolution, you’ll arrive at a good place faster. Try asking for collaboration, as in, “I know we both want to fix this. Can I ask you to work with me to find a solution?”
When we shift from trying to prove a point to sharing our experiences and openly expressing our desire for mutual understanding, we create an atmosphere that supports empathy and harmony (Hample & Hample, 2020).
Honoring Boundaries Without Compromising Wholeness
Empathy doesn’t make you a doormat. Maintaining your center in a moment of conflict helps you to respect the other person’s perspective without abandoning your own boundaries. There’s a common myth that compromise requires sacrificing your own needs, but true resolution comes from co-creating solutions that honor the needs of both people. The ability to remain both kind and firm, which is sometimes called assertive compassion, is about staying open while staying true to your own values and priorities (Koerner & Fitzpatrick, 2016). If a “solution” to a problem means you or the other person have to live with having your needs ignored or your boundaries violated, it’s not a real solution. Don’t give up looking for a solution that takes care of you both.
In real life, not every conflict will end in perfect agreement. You will have to live with the fact that other people see the world differently than you do and have needs that you may not be able to fulfill. Expressing yourself truthfully while actively listening to the other person, however, establishes a foundation of mutual respect that can allow for differences in perspective. Releasing attachment to a specific outcome while maintaining clear boundaries can help you ensure that resolution does not come at the expense of self-respect or respect for the other person (Bruce et al., 2022).
An Invitation to Growth and Awareness
Rather than perceiving conflict as something to be avoided or won, we can reframe it as an opportunity for self-awareness, personal growth, and deeper understanding of the people we care about. Every disagreement holds the potential to refine our values, expand our perspectives, and strengthen our capacity for more meaningful connections with others. By approaching conflict with presence and integrity, we can cultivate relationships built on respect and understanding and transform moments of discord into pathways toward deeper connection and wholeness. So take a deep breath, practice mindfulness regularly, and be ready to make your next challenging interaction a path to greater wholeness.
References
Bruce, M. J., Chang, A., Evans, L., Streb, M., & Dehon, J. (2022). Relationship of conflict, conflict avoidance, and conflict resolution to psychological adjustment. Psychological Reports. https://doi.org/10.1177/00332941221146708
Caughlin, J. P., Hardesty, J. L., & Middleton, A. V. (2012). Conflict avoidance in families. In A. L. Vangelisti (Ed.), The Wiley-Blackwell Handbook of Couples and Family Relationships (pp. 319-332). Wiley-Blackwell.
Hample, D., & Hample, J. M. (2020). There is no away: Where do people go when they avoid an interpersonal conflict? Negotiation and Conflict Management Research, 13(4), 304–325. https://doi.org/10.1111/ncmr.12170
Koerner, A. F., & Fitzpatrick, M. A. (2016). Family conflict communication. In J. G. Oetzel & S. Ting-Toomey (Eds.), The SAGE Handbook of Conflict Communication: Integrating Theory, Research, and Practice (pp. 529-554). SAGE Publications.
Nix, G. A., & Carstensen, L. L. (2021). Defending personal values in interpersonal conflicts: The role of emotion and self-affirmation. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 120(3), 511–530.
Roloff, M. E., & Liu, E. (2016). Conflict avoidance. In C. R. Berger & M. E. Roloff (Eds.), The International Encyclopedia of Interpersonal Communication (pp. 1-9). Wiley-Blackwell.
Tuente, S. K., Bogaerts, S., & Veling, W. (2019). Hostile attribution bias and aggression in adults-a systematic review. Aggression and violent behavior, 46, 66-81. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.avb.2019.01.009
